Today I would like to delve into my thoughts on why other people bother me; or more specifically, other people’s thoughts. I don’t care for them. Keep them to yourself – unless of course you agree with me. In which case, feel free to let me know how right I am. Here’s the thing…it is nice that you heard a comment on the news and decided to treat it as your Holy Gospel. I appreciate that you watch the news or read the paper. But here is a news flash worth reading – just because you watched a 30 second news clip or read a 3 paragraph article does not mean that you are all-knowing on that subject area. In fact, you know almost nothing, and by acting like you do know something you are simply making yourself look like an ignorant dumb*ss! All I ask is that if you are going to open your mouth to share some knowledge, know what the eff you are talking about. Don’t come into work and start spouting off your “knowledge”, you will end up looking stupid. Here are a few examples of ignorance courtesy of my boss, BFJ…

* “State Tax Auditors carry guns. They have to do this because they audit farmers, and farmers will shoot at them.”
-Fact: My brother is a state tax auditor and I can guarantee you that he is not coming within 100 yards of a gun. My family = afraid of guns. I also feel that I would be offended if there were farmers in my family.

* “I used to swim 5 miles in the morning and 5 miles in the afternoon, but I never lost a pound. You don’t lose weight when you swim.”
-Fact: I swam in high school. Unless you have over 6 hours a day to devote to non-stop lap swimming, I can guarantee you are not swimming 10 miles. Also if you are swimming for 6 hours and not losing any weight, you are not swimming – you are being dragged by a boat.

But I digress (there is a fabulous story where BFJ makes himself look like a moron by believing he knows what is happening in the real estate market, while also managing to cost himself about $20k. But thinking about it makes me upset, so I won’t even go there). If you find a topic that is of interest to you, I suggest using the internet to get some more information, and asking around for help finding more information. THEN you can spout off your opinion/knowledge. My ex co-worker, Mike, used to bring up topics that we could research during down times. For instance, one day he said he had heard about something called “Santa College” – we then researched this topic (God bless the internet) and discovered it to be a real thing. I appreciated Mike because he did not take the word of a crazy old man at the bar and simply believe that Santa College exists. He did his research. And, even better, he included me in his research. I love things that include me.

So the short story is – do not speak unless you know what you are talking about. Do not hold yourself out as an expert when you clearly are not. However, there are a few very specific times when you can have an opinion without having information to back your opinion. These times are as follows:

1. When discussing why America is better than other countries. I really don’t care what you say, true or untrue, so long as it is supporting the fact that America is the greatest place on earth. However, your opinion of what makes America great better be the same as mine. Otherwise you are wrong.

2. Any thoughts attempting to halt illegal immigration. I don’t care how hair-brained your idea is, if it violates basic human rights, whatever…keep those people out of here. And for those of you currently thinking that part of what makes America great is our acceptance of immigrants – both legal and illegal – you are wrong. What makes America great is our lack of acceptance. I’m right about this, see Rule 1.

3. Why we should declare English as the National Language. And why we should then change “English” to “American”. What language do I speak? AMERICAN. It even sounds powerful.


Now to get to my final point of this slightly convoluted blog…WalMart has declared a war on optimism (as it is next-to impossible to stay optimistic in the face of extremely long lines and horrible customer service). Because of this, I suggest you all boycott WalMart.

Well that is all for today. Tune in some other day when I once again say important things.

DEER...GOD'S MOST USELESS GIFT

I would like to take a moment to discuss my hatred of deer. I cannot wait until it is deer hunting season and people flock to the woods to shoot those good-for-nothing animals. Often times I have been asked, "How can you hate deer? They are so cute." Well, did you know that there are about 1.5 million deer-vehicle accidents each year, and that those accidents cause roughly 150 deaths and $1.1 billion in property damage? Also, your insurance will not cover your deer-related accident unless you have comprehensive coverage (so if you have an older car and only want collision coverage, you better hope you don't hit any deer!) You won't be thinking that deer are so cute when you are faced with a $2,800 bill (the average cost of a deer-vehicle accident. $10,000 if you wind up in the hospital!) On top of the extreme likelihood of hitting a deer with your car, there is also a chance that you might be attacked by a deer. Last year, 3 Southern Illinois students were attacked by deer on campus. In 2005, a 73 year old man in California was killed by a deer when he went into his backyard to pick tomotos! Now you might be thinking, well these are two very specific incidences of crazy deer. But think of it this way - when you see a hitchhiker, you don't pick him up because he might be an axe murderer. 98% of the time, he's just a descent guy in need of a ride. But who wants to risk that 2% chance that he really is a crazed murderer? Just as I do not risk my life by picking up randoms on the side of the road, I also do not risk my life approaching deer. If I see a deer, I instantly head for cover. One time on the walking trails at Cargill, there was no place to run so I was forced to throw a rock at the animal. I looked like a fruitcake in front of my co-workers, but it was worth it to protect our safety. So I guess the moral of this story is - get a hunting license and go shoot some deer. Shoot them into extinction. The world will be a better, wealthier, safer place for it!

I would like to thank CNN for providing the facts that made me look smart in this blog. However, I did make up the nice:crazy ratio for hitchhikers. I do not know if 98% of hitchhikers are nice...I will research it and report back in a later blog.

Next week on Jenna's blog - "Your opinion and why I don't care". I will focus on how I am always right, and how people's attempts to argue with my positions are always dumb. I'm not arrogant or ignorant, this is just how it is people.

I THOUGHT WE WOULD BE FAMOUS

In college, my best friend Anne and myself had the brilliant idea to
start The Smock Shop. Specializing in "Three Piece Middle-Eastern
Wear", we would sell "smocks" to the growing number of Middle-Easterners
in America. Being slightly ethnocentric and poorly-versed on
Middle-Eastern culture as we were - it is quite possible that our idea
was less than PC, and our attempts to sell the idea nothing short of
offensive. But we were certain this was the idea that was going to lead
us to celebrity. A reality TV show about the inner-workings of The
Smock Shop would lead to our 15 minutes of fame, culminating with
alcohol problems, a stint in rehab, our own E! True Hollywood Story, and
finally - a life as D-list celebs on VH1s Best Week Ever. Yes, we had
it all figured out.
Today I am a 25 year old accountant living in Bemidji...where did I ever
go wrong?